the weight of the problem is too heavy that perhaps, it could be never be any much worse.
Fact is, I cheated. And I got caught.
I was too caught up in this affection I had with someone who went missing for so long in my life, that I got carried away and got too far. I lied in every sense possible, worked my way so that I could fulfill what I thought would be the that unfulfilled love experience had I had been with her few years back. I tried to make meet-ups more frequent, so that I could see her more often. It was all smooth-going... except that I was attached, to a girl I've been with for seven years.
Today might just be the day I turn single. You can call me a jerk, a bloody cheat mofo.. but things happened as it did and I cannot be more remorseful. Every bit of trust broken, every bit of love crumbled, every dream shared shattered. Most importantly, things that had been going on with this girl I had loved for so long would suddenly vanish just like that.. all of it; the secrets, the chemistry, the inside-jokes, the telepathy, the sweet how-we-got-together stories. How can one be more blind? I presumed that I was mature enough before this to know what was right, and what was wrong. The only thing I could take away was to realize I had been wrong about this all along. I was no different from the other cheats I had always been critical of, it was no different from the ugly stories I had came across. I am a cheat, outright.
I can always tell you how sorry I am, then again apologies count for nothing when grave mistakes like this occur. I can always tell you how I can and will mend my ways, but I am in no position to make such promises when I had just lost all of your trust. I don't blame her, or anyone.
Maybe to you who's reading this, it may not concern you that much. But if ever you're contemplating any act of betrayal behind your loved one, take my word seriously. DON'T DO IT. The only heart you will really break will be your own, how you cheated on your morals and how you betrayed your own beliefs. And that will be enough to haunt you for life.
Looking from another angle, I am glad this episode actually happened. Glad not because I could call it quits on this relationship, but glad because it happened now rather than in the unknown future. Glad that she has actually seen my true colours now, rather than when we are tied down in marriage. Glad that I can actually mend my ways for good, because I had a painful glimpse of what it is like to have her walking away from me. Glad that I know she is, in fact, the better half of which I can never live my life without. Glad to know that I can remind myself of this excruciating pain she suffered to know that I will always be forever indebted. Then again, I am at every risk of losing the love I have always had right now.
They said "the grass is always greener on the other side", it should be "the grass always looks greener on the other side" instead. One never know how green that same side actually is until you decide to make a leap away, so never be fooled. I have, and I am regretting every bit right now. I pinched myself hard now and then, but I could never get away from this nightmare. That's eighty-four months I am blowing away, and I am stuck in desperation to seek my way out of this self-inflicted predicament I'm in. It's too surreal to be true - one day I was a loving boyfriend and the next I am a cheater.
I have to be man enough to accept the consequences, be it my way or not. If it goes my way, then I will pray hard that it turns out as a defining and a turning point of this relationship. If it doesn't, then I don't blame her at all. I have been too selfish, and so I need to learn to be fair enough to let her go to pursue her own unfulfilled happiness. I just hope that one day, when I take a look back at this, I have actually turn out to be a better man for myself, and hopefully for the girl I have been with for seven years.. and counting.
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