I need to feel the pain.

I need to feel the pain,
before I can start appreciating again.
I need to lose,
before I can pick up and begin anew.

One day gone, is one chance wasted.

The change won't come so easily. It will be really really tough, I don't know what the future holds. And honestly, I don't know if she will ever open her heart to accept again. But I am determined, above all, to try. Even the slightest of chances is giving the brightest of hopes right now.

Maybe true like she said, I lack plans. I lack organization. I go with the flow too much, and maybe I relied too heavily on her for the plannings before this. That will be something I work on.. and if there's any way I can start my recovery with, it'll be to work on what she said was my weakest point. Planning.

I have a vague one in my mind, like how I should go about and how I can go around doing it. I know my character has to change for good, I know I have to do things that can help to regain her trust. But nothing is concrete for it is a little more complicated than I thought it first was. I should work on it, I do not have much time on my hands. I will need to impress her again, and definitely in other ways that she hasn't seen me in. For all she knows I was actually a decent boyfriend who cheats eventually, and it will stay in her mind for the longest time.. so I have to start impressing on other aspects. 

I will let this day be the first of which I detail my recovery progress. And in recovery, I mean winning her back. All of the sides of me that I am keen to change on, that shall remain between me and Allah. 

Aselle said maybe I should get a diary to jot every single thing down, but I hate my handwriting too much to even start holding a pen. There's no other way, at this point onwards, to let her know and feel how I am actually changing.. so one day, I hope.. the greater power will make her head turn and visit this dead-for-so-long blog to see the details I am filling in. I think she herself have forgotten the address to this blog, but I shall remain optimistic.

I really want and I need to win her back, so I need to start planning and start jotting it down. I've been resting on the laurels for far too long, so here I am with the greatest of determination and the brightest of hopes, to begin again. From being friends, from being a cheater. Everyone will question why would she ever get back with a lying prick who crushed her heart, and on my part I have to say the line of committing a cheat is way too fine and unfortunately I crossed it. At the back of it, she is still the only one I have this very strong love for, she is the future I want to work on and work with, and so I will need to get her back. She's deeply crushed now, but my senses are still tingling that the feelings are not totally wiped off no matter how she tries denying it. Our story is left hanging for now, maybe it's time I work real hard for something I really need. And hopefully she can see the determination eventually. Insyaallah.

One day gone, is one chance wasted.

Remember this day, the day I got caught cheating.

Haven't got this feeling for a very long time, in fact, perhaps i never went through this before.

the weight of the problem is too heavy that perhaps, it could be never be any much worse. 

Fact is, I cheated. And I got caught.

I was too caught up in this affection I had with someone who went missing for so long in my life, that I got carried away and got too far. I lied in every sense possible, worked my way so that I could fulfill what I thought would be the that unfulfilled love experience had I had been with her few years back. I tried to make meet-ups more frequent, so that I could see her more often. It was all smooth-going... except that I was attached, to a girl I've been with for seven years.

Today might just be the day I turn single. You can call me a jerk, a bloody cheat mofo.. but things happened as it did and I cannot be more remorseful. Every bit of trust broken, every bit of love crumbled, every dream shared shattered. Most importantly, things that had been going on with this girl I had loved for so long would suddenly vanish just like that.. all of it; the secrets, the chemistry, the inside-jokes, the telepathy, the sweet how-we-got-together stories. How can one be more blind? I presumed that I was mature enough before this to know what was right, and what was wrong. The only thing I could take away was to realize I had been wrong about this all along. I was no different from the other cheats I had always been critical of, it was no different from the ugly stories I had came across. I am a cheat, outright.

I can always tell you how sorry I am, then again apologies count for nothing when grave mistakes like this occur. I can always tell you how I can and will mend my ways, but I am in no position to make such promises when I had just lost all of your trust. I don't blame her, or anyone. 

Maybe to you who's reading this, it may not concern you that much. But if ever you're contemplating any act of betrayal behind your loved one, take my word seriously. DON'T DO IT. The only heart you will really break will be your own, how you cheated on your morals and how you betrayed your own beliefs. And that will be enough to haunt you for life.

Looking from another angle, I am glad this episode actually happened. Glad not because I could call it quits on this relationship, but glad because it happened now rather than in the unknown future. Glad that she has actually seen my true colours now, rather than when we are tied down in marriage. Glad that I can actually mend my ways for good, because I had a painful glimpse of what it is like to have her walking away from me. Glad that I know she is, in fact, the better half of which I can never live my life without. Glad to know that I can remind myself of this excruciating pain she suffered to know that I will always be forever indebted. Then again, I am at every risk of losing the love I have always had right now.

They said "the grass is always greener on the other side", it should be "the grass always looks greener on the other side" instead. One never know how green that same side actually is until you decide to make a leap away, so never be fooled. I have, and I am regretting every bit right now. I pinched myself hard now and then, but I could never get away from this nightmare. That's eighty-four months I am blowing away, and I am stuck in desperation to seek my way out of this self-inflicted predicament I'm in. It's too surreal to be true - one day I was a loving boyfriend and the next I am a cheater. 

I have to be man enough to accept the consequences, be it my way or not. If it goes my way, then I will pray hard that it turns out as a defining and a turning point of this relationship. If it doesn't, then I don't blame her at all. I have been too selfish, and so I need to learn to be fair enough to let her go to pursue her own unfulfilled happiness. I just hope that one day, when I take a look back at this, I have actually turn out to be a better man for myself, and hopefully for the girl I have been with for seven years.. and counting.