tables have turned.

it's funny how the tables have turned now.

it's funny how the roles have reversed.

she's the one looking out for guys, evaluating how people look.. how good-looking the guys out there are, to be precise.

and I am here, sticking my eyes and attention on her the whole time.

if you wanna know what it feels like to be a guy, it's the exact same thing you're going through now.

and she's becoming more aware of how people may look at her, much like I was last time.

make-up and pretty dresses, much like how I cared about how we look in public.

i think right now, i'm tasting my own medicine.

but it's okay, 

if it's gonna help to make everything better eventually, I accept it.

on a serious note, i think how things are right now, are totally on the underside.

maybe previously, i felt i needed to be there for her everyday for a different purpose, 

beyond being a partner. 

i felt the need to fill up the role of that solitary male figure in her life, 

given how I felt the other two closest to her have failed her. 

though it didn't wasn't success, I had always wanted to be there to support her emotionally, physically, psychologically and financially in the best ways I could.

I think I did the best I could, yet still eventually I know I failed her. 

but through those time, I could feel she needed someone to fill the void, 

and I saw the need, and I couldn't feel more honoured to.

this time around, I need her more than ever.

I'm not fighting just for the house, or 2 years ahead. I'm fighting for every chance to start a family with her, be there for our kids and be there for our future.

I know I screwed up bad, and I know I have no say.. but i'm slowly getting over it.

My only focus is my recovery and how I could make things right, for now and for the future that we set out for.

Maybe it's time she realise that we're in this not just for love (though it's the fundamental), but for many other things that comes along with this commitment. 

I really need her more than ever, even more than she ever needed me.

PS: I know you're reading this, but please don't do not presume that I am composing these out of self-pity and exclusively to gain your attention. This is what I feel, in all honesty.