will.. till.

i will work hard till the hug is returned someday/
i will work hard till you finally admit you miss me/

i will work hard.. till all 98 of it completes.

tables have turned.

it's funny how the tables have turned now.

it's funny how the roles have reversed.

she's the one looking out for guys, evaluating how people look.. how good-looking the guys out there are, to be precise.

and I am here, sticking my eyes and attention on her the whole time.

if you wanna know what it feels like to be a guy, it's the exact same thing you're going through now.

and she's becoming more aware of how people may look at her, much like I was last time.

make-up and pretty dresses, much like how I cared about how we look in public.

i think right now, i'm tasting my own medicine.

but it's okay, 

if it's gonna help to make everything better eventually, I accept it.

on a serious note, i think how things are right now, are totally on the underside.

maybe previously, i felt i needed to be there for her everyday for a different purpose, 

beyond being a partner. 

i felt the need to fill up the role of that solitary male figure in her life, 

given how I felt the other two closest to her have failed her. 

though it didn't wasn't success, I had always wanted to be there to support her emotionally, physically, psychologically and financially in the best ways I could.

I think I did the best I could, yet still eventually I know I failed her. 

but through those time, I could feel she needed someone to fill the void, 

and I saw the need, and I couldn't feel more honoured to.

this time around, I need her more than ever.

I'm not fighting just for the house, or 2 years ahead. I'm fighting for every chance to start a family with her, be there for our kids and be there for our future.

I know I screwed up bad, and I know I have no say.. but i'm slowly getting over it.

My only focus is my recovery and how I could make things right, for now and for the future that we set out for.

Maybe it's time she realise that we're in this not just for love (though it's the fundamental), but for many other things that comes along with this commitment. 

I really need her more than ever, even more than she ever needed me.

PS: I know you're reading this, but please don't do not presume that I am composing these out of self-pity and exclusively to gain your attention. This is what I feel, in all honesty.

you shall remember.

she has seen you in your worst,
and she takes a step back from the spotlight when you were at your best.
she was there to calm you down when nerves hit you,
and she was there to say 'it is alright' when you failed.
she gave you the strength you always needed,
and she lent you her ears when you needed to pour your sorrows.
she held your hand as you went through the toughest of times,
and she was there, present, at every milestone you hit.
she said 'you look fine' when you were feeling all insecure,
and she said you were the best even when you were not.

she kept you sane when you were going crazy,

and she kept you a humble man when your confidence was skyrocketing.
she made you a responsible person,
and she corrects every shortcoming you faced.

she excused you at every slightest of mistakes,
and she was ever-forgiving to the substantial flaws.
she was there to guide you through all the changes you needed,
and she was all ready to change, for you, into what you needed her to be.
she stood through all waves of hurt and damage,
and she still stood by when you wandered.

she gave her all,
and she completes you.

she was perfect all along,
so why did you ever risked it all?

I need to feel the pain.

I need to feel the pain,
before I can start appreciating again.
I need to lose,
before I can pick up and begin anew.

One day gone, is one chance wasted.

The change won't come so easily. It will be really really tough, I don't know what the future holds. And honestly, I don't know if she will ever open her heart to accept again. But I am determined, above all, to try. Even the slightest of chances is giving the brightest of hopes right now.

Maybe true like she said, I lack plans. I lack organization. I go with the flow too much, and maybe I relied too heavily on her for the plannings before this. That will be something I work on.. and if there's any way I can start my recovery with, it'll be to work on what she said was my weakest point. Planning.

I have a vague one in my mind, like how I should go about and how I can go around doing it. I know my character has to change for good, I know I have to do things that can help to regain her trust. But nothing is concrete for it is a little more complicated than I thought it first was. I should work on it, I do not have much time on my hands. I will need to impress her again, and definitely in other ways that she hasn't seen me in. For all she knows I was actually a decent boyfriend who cheats eventually, and it will stay in her mind for the longest time.. so I have to start impressing on other aspects. 

I will let this day be the first of which I detail my recovery progress. And in recovery, I mean winning her back. All of the sides of me that I am keen to change on, that shall remain between me and Allah. 

Aselle said maybe I should get a diary to jot every single thing down, but I hate my handwriting too much to even start holding a pen. There's no other way, at this point onwards, to let her know and feel how I am actually changing.. so one day, I hope.. the greater power will make her head turn and visit this dead-for-so-long blog to see the details I am filling in. I think she herself have forgotten the address to this blog, but I shall remain optimistic.

I really want and I need to win her back, so I need to start planning and start jotting it down. I've been resting on the laurels for far too long, so here I am with the greatest of determination and the brightest of hopes, to begin again. From being friends, from being a cheater. Everyone will question why would she ever get back with a lying prick who crushed her heart, and on my part I have to say the line of committing a cheat is way too fine and unfortunately I crossed it. At the back of it, she is still the only one I have this very strong love for, she is the future I want to work on and work with, and so I will need to get her back. She's deeply crushed now, but my senses are still tingling that the feelings are not totally wiped off no matter how she tries denying it. Our story is left hanging for now, maybe it's time I work real hard for something I really need. And hopefully she can see the determination eventually. Insyaallah.

One day gone, is one chance wasted.

Remember this day, the day I got caught cheating.

Haven't got this feeling for a very long time, in fact, perhaps i never went through this before.

the weight of the problem is too heavy that perhaps, it could be never be any much worse. 

Fact is, I cheated. And I got caught.

I was too caught up in this affection I had with someone who went missing for so long in my life, that I got carried away and got too far. I lied in every sense possible, worked my way so that I could fulfill what I thought would be the that unfulfilled love experience had I had been with her few years back. I tried to make meet-ups more frequent, so that I could see her more often. It was all smooth-going... except that I was attached, to a girl I've been with for seven years.

Today might just be the day I turn single. You can call me a jerk, a bloody cheat mofo.. but things happened as it did and I cannot be more remorseful. Every bit of trust broken, every bit of love crumbled, every dream shared shattered. Most importantly, things that had been going on with this girl I had loved for so long would suddenly vanish just like that.. all of it; the secrets, the chemistry, the inside-jokes, the telepathy, the sweet how-we-got-together stories. How can one be more blind? I presumed that I was mature enough before this to know what was right, and what was wrong. The only thing I could take away was to realize I had been wrong about this all along. I was no different from the other cheats I had always been critical of, it was no different from the ugly stories I had came across. I am a cheat, outright.

I can always tell you how sorry I am, then again apologies count for nothing when grave mistakes like this occur. I can always tell you how I can and will mend my ways, but I am in no position to make such promises when I had just lost all of your trust. I don't blame her, or anyone. 

Maybe to you who's reading this, it may not concern you that much. But if ever you're contemplating any act of betrayal behind your loved one, take my word seriously. DON'T DO IT. The only heart you will really break will be your own, how you cheated on your morals and how you betrayed your own beliefs. And that will be enough to haunt you for life.

Looking from another angle, I am glad this episode actually happened. Glad not because I could call it quits on this relationship, but glad because it happened now rather than in the unknown future. Glad that she has actually seen my true colours now, rather than when we are tied down in marriage. Glad that I can actually mend my ways for good, because I had a painful glimpse of what it is like to have her walking away from me. Glad that I know she is, in fact, the better half of which I can never live my life without. Glad to know that I can remind myself of this excruciating pain she suffered to know that I will always be forever indebted. Then again, I am at every risk of losing the love I have always had right now.

They said "the grass is always greener on the other side", it should be "the grass always looks greener on the other side" instead. One never know how green that same side actually is until you decide to make a leap away, so never be fooled. I have, and I am regretting every bit right now. I pinched myself hard now and then, but I could never get away from this nightmare. That's eighty-four months I am blowing away, and I am stuck in desperation to seek my way out of this self-inflicted predicament I'm in. It's too surreal to be true - one day I was a loving boyfriend and the next I am a cheater. 

I have to be man enough to accept the consequences, be it my way or not. If it goes my way, then I will pray hard that it turns out as a defining and a turning point of this relationship. If it doesn't, then I don't blame her at all. I have been too selfish, and so I need to learn to be fair enough to let her go to pursue her own unfulfilled happiness. I just hope that one day, when I take a look back at this, I have actually turn out to be a better man for myself, and hopefully for the girl I have been with for seven years.. and counting.

i wonder..

i wonder what it would have been like.

stories of the past make the present we're living today.
that's why i always wonder, how it would all flow
had the chapters been twisted a little differently.

how, had it not been for the chase of an old crush?
i wouldn't even have known you any better.

how, had we not sat across the classroom?
i wouldn't have even noticed you a single bit.

how, had we not been in the same boat, facing relationship crisis?
we wouldn't have even sparked any form of conversation.

how, had i not gone to indonesia over that weekend?
i wouldn't have realised that i actually need you to fill me up.
i wouldn't even have gathered the courage to confess to you.

how, had you not have been brave enough to conquer your nerves on 14th Feb 07?
i wouldn't have the slightest of idea that my feelings have been reciprocated.

how, had it not been for the year-end exams?
we wouldn't have spent that much time together,
and it wouldn't have dawned upon me how badly i need you
to guide me in becoming a better person.

how, had we not been strong-willed enough to fight all fronts,
to overcome all barriers, to persevere through all pain, to last this long?
i wouldn't even want to think how things would have gone.
cos now, the way it is, things are going perfectly well.

to some, four and a half years ain't seem like a long time.
but to us, to both SHILIN and I,
to accept all challenges, to make our point and eventually thrive,
it means a whole lot personally.

and insyaallah, with His guidance and strength,
we'll take it a long way, a long long way into the future.